In my mind

So it's nearly the end of March and in my mind I still feel like it's January. I don't know what's going on, but my sense of time seems greatly distorted.

When I was 18 I travelled to China to teach English for 6 months. While I never really said it aloud at the time (for fear of sounding pretentiously idiotic I'm sure) I hoped that the time away from my comfortable and familiar life would help me to 'find myself'.
What I faced instead was an internal and external struggle not against cultural differences, but myself.

Despite the drastic change of environment, I was still the same uncertain person who couldn't bear the thought that other people may think badly of me (regardless of what I thought of them.) That fear led me to apologise for anything that may cause other people offence, whether I had done something wrong or not. I made bad decisions, had toxic friendships, and lost sight of who I was by trying to be the girl that other people thought I should be, or wanted to be, rather than the person I wanted to be myself.

"Finding" yourself is a joke. We create who we are, sometimes more deliberately than other times.
This is of course entirely my opinion. There are many people out there who are happily anchored, and don't toss about like a boat in a storm with every different opinion they hear, every action made by a friend. This is a skill I am striving for.

Ten years have passed since I was in China, and I still see in myself those same weaknesses (thankfully to a lesser extent)
I'm sick of beating myself up about them though.
So I will acknowledge that those weaknesses are born of a trusting and loving heart and a desire to make peace and happiness in the lives of others. That's not a bad thing surely.

So here at 28, wife and mother of two - still riddled with weaknesses and faults - I'm getting over it.
I had a cranky week, I re-dyed my hair (I look like my head is on fire when my hair is out) I rearranged my whole house (it took two days) and with those simple superficial changes I feel more prepared to launch myself into deeper changes and continue on the ongoing journey of self discovery creation.
I think like losing weight, losing bad habits and emotional problems is best done with action.

Here's a song.

I have big heart for Neil Gaiman, he's my favourite author ( I met him once - he has very soft hair ) and for his wife Amanda Palmer who I've never met, but who's music I have admired for a long time. When I found out they were married I was excited to an illogical level that totally reveals my fangirl status. Whatever.


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